you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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