Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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