I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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