Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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