Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
send nudes
from the living room?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
