I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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