Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
