I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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