Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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