"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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