I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
