I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize