he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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