it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
