i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Never joke about your clitoris.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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