Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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