Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
