Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
