i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
