The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
