Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
