I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
