you guys were way drunker than both of me
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
