I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
