I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
