SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Success! We fucked roommates!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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