The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
