i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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