I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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