The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
