The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
