I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
