So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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