I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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