I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
