i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
