My first STD was from a foam party
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
