i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
