The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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