i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
