she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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