My room smells like vodka and shame
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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