I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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