Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize