Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
