my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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