you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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