I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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