someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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