My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
