Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
