Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
