I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
