Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
