I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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