turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
