I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
