I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
