I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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