I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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