I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
