get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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